


Do you want me to be?

by SpaceWahker



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Around 5x13, Bellarke, F/M, Hurt Madi, Post 5x09, Radio Calls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-06-09 10:59:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15266058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceWahker/pseuds/SpaceWahker
Summary: Post 5x09, Finale somewhere. In which Bellamy and Clarke are alone and yell about their emotions in the middle of a battle because they have to do it at some point - right?





	Do you want me to be?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going through withdrawals right now after 5x09 shot me through the heart. So here's a short fic because I need a coping mechanism.

_Dodge. Parry. Fall. Slide. Hide._ Clarke's breathing was heavy as she slid behind a boulder, her sword clattering to the ground as she clutched her bleeding arm. Hidden behind the large stone, she could hear the battle beyond; Wonkru against Diyoza against McCreary. Twenty minutes prior she had been engulfed in the fighting as Wonkru arrived in Shallow Valley. Ten minutes later, she had lost Madi in the swarm of blood and metal. Cursing at herself, she tore off a bit of fabric and wrapped a makeshift tourniquet around her bleeding arm. She tightened it with her teeth before peering around the boulder.

No sign of Madi. She cursed again.

Wonkru was heavy on the hills leading down to the valley, spilling like black and red ants onto the green battleground. The high ground was a good vantage point and with the eye down, they had benefited from the element of surprise. The Eligius faction lead by McCreary tore through the trees, axes and knives swinging in the direction of anything that moved. Despite their experience in murder and chaos, they weren't equipped or trained like the Wonkru battalion and fell at the hands of Octavia's soldiers. Diyoza's faction, Clarke noted, were making their way up the hill behind Wonkru in the heat of their distraction, hoping to flank their enemies from behind. She could appreciate that Diyoza was tactical, and holding the weapons, they sure had the strongest fire power, but they were also the smallest group in the battle and could be overpowered quickly.

Clarke continued to scan the field, but there was no sign of Madi. Her panic increased by the second as she muttered, "c'mon" under her breath repeatedly. Then, a flutter of blue caught her eye and she saw her. On the steps of the med bay, the small twelve-year-old fought off two warriors; one Eligius, the other Wonkru. Her sword slashed through the air as she weaved and dove between the two larger men, clever in her jabs to let them fight each other. The Wonkru quickly stuck the Eligius man down in the midst of her dance. She could hold off her own but Clarke knew that wasn't really Madi fighting. The commanders were having their effect. She was getting confident now; taking risky moves to get in another blow. However, despite her quick techniques, she was still considerably smaller and slipped up as she caught a foot to her stomach. As she keeled over, Clarke instinctively grabbed her blade and sprang from her spot, weaving between fighters, her vision tunnelled onto Madi. But she knew she was too far away before it even happened.

Madi rolled to avoid the swing of the Wonkru soldier's blade, but she was too slow and it nicked her back anyway. The small girl fell over in pain, rolling around to grab for her fallen sword but when she failed to find it, the soldier raised his to go in for the killing blow.

Clarke screamed, her whole world falling still as she watched helpless. Then, like a miracle, a dark shape ran their sword through the back of the soldier and he fell dead. She focused on Madi's saviour and nearly tripped in her sprint as she recognised that black hair, those broad shoulders, and the beard she'd been so surprised to see. Bellamy. She'd thought - she hadn't known what to think. The guilt had been eating her alive as she'd thought of what Octavia might have done - if he had even been alive, and that if he was dead, it would have been all her fault. That her moment of rage would have gotten him killed. Her best friend. Her confidant. Now she didn't know what to think. But she was still too far away for him to notice as he scooped up the girl in his arms and rushed into the med bay.

Her heart pounded in her ears to the sound of her feet against the wet dirt and wilting grass, her mind raced as she thought of every worst case scenario. But she didn't have to think long because soon enough, she'd burst through the med bay doors and raced to Madi's side.

Bellamy snapped his head around and brandished his sword at the intrusion before relaxing when he realised who it was. He lowered the sword but tensed again. There was so much between them. So much left unsaid. _But not right now_ , she thought. _Not right now_. He'd laid Madi down on the medical table in the middle of the room, her sword she'd found too late had fallen from her weak grasp and onto the floor. She noticed his hands were cuffed. So he'd escaped.

"Clarke," he breathed, seemingly taken aback. The air seemed to hang between them, thick and still. Then he shook his head slightly, regaining his wits. "She's hurt."

Clarke had to blink. A moment passed and then she ran over to Madi's side, cupping her pale face as she brushed a strand of hair from her face. "Madi," she called out, "it's Clarke," but the girl only winced in pain.

"Her back took the worst of it," Bellamy pointed out, carefully moving Madi's arm to show the damage. Black blood stained her shirt where it had been sliced in two.

Clarke moved around to see the cut and Bellamy quietly shifted to let her take over.

"Here baby," she whispered comfortingly to the small girl, "it's okay. I'll make sure you're okay."

She grabbed a rag and alcohol from the shelf like it was second nature and cleaned up her wound, making understanding noises as Madi groaned in pain.

"Can you pass me the needle and thread?" Clarke asked Bellamy as she wiped blood, "It's the cupboard second from the left." Her voice was passive, unwavering.

Grateful for something to do other than awkwardly stand around, Bellamy shuffled over to the cupboard and found exactly what she'd asked for. As he handed over the supplies and Clarke began to stitch, it hit him that she knew where everything was because this was her home - had been her home. He let his eyes wander, too pained to look at her, and took in the med bay. It was lit by a few candles, but the dim glow and the rays of sun that filtered through the boarded windows were enough to see. Chairs and tables had been pushed to the sides of the room by Eligius, long purple curtains were draped from the ceiling to the wood floor and a computer that had taken a few shots lay dead and cracked on the ground. But what really caught his attention were the papers nailed and taped to the walls. They had yellowed and were drawn in black charcoal, but they were unmistakably drawings of them. Clarke's drawings. Raven, Murphy, Monty, Harper, Octavia, Kane, Miller, even Echo and Emori lined the walls. Everyone she'd know - she'd loved. He reached out to touch a picture of the pod taking off and felt his stomach drop.

Above what was presumably her workspace were two drawings. They'd been taped roughly, the chalk slightly smudged and water marks dotted the page, but he could tell who they were. Her mom and himself.

"They were my way of remembering." Clarke's voice so close behind caught him by surprise. He turned to see her watching him walk around the room. Madi had passed out from exhaustion on the table and she'd thrown a tattered blanket over her body. She shrugged, "It was how I held on."

Bellamy opened his mouth to respond but found he had nothing he could say. Nothing he knew how to say. He settled with a short, "How's Madi?"

"Fine," she said briskly, tensing as they stood still, opposite one another. The last time they'd seen each other, she'd slapped him for giving Madi the flame. Or that's what she told herself anyway. A small part knew it was also for leaving her; for his family.

"Clarke," he started, "I never meant for this to happen. I thought I could protect her. It was the only way we could save everyone."

"Save your family, you mean?" She wasn't holding back. His comment had hurt, more than she'd like to admit, and now the tension that had been brewing spewed to the top.

"That isn't what I meant." He said, frustrated.

"Then what did you mean?" Her voice raised an octave. "Because it looks to me like you don't even care anymore."

"All of us - on the ring we only had each other, Clarke. Six years-"

"And who did I have?" She was yelling now, tears in her eyes. "A six year old child! All I had - all I have - is Madi. And you were willing to risk her life! Did you even care? Do you?"

He looked taken aback, "Of course I do," he sputtered, "But six years ago, you would have agreed. It was the smartest choice, we can't let our emotions rule our head."

"Six years is a long time. I see that now. The old Bellamy would never have done what you did."

"The old Bellamy was reckless," he pointed it out like fact, "you knew that. This is what you told me to do."

“Oh really?” She spat. “Because I seem to remember distinctly saying not to give my child the flame.”

“You told me to use my head.”

“Not this again-”

“Six years ago, before you died, you told me I had to lead with my head.”

“Bellamy-“

He cut her off, “That’s what I’ve been doing. You died and I had to step up. I stepped up and I made the hard choices because that was the last thing you told me. Clarke, _you were dead_."

"Well I'm not." She paused. Then quieter, "Do you want me to be?"

"Are you mad?" He nearly laughed with incredulity, "Finding out you were alive, it was, it was one of the best moments of my life. No I don't wish you were dead."

She was quiet for too long.

He stopped. "Is that what you think?" His voice wavered as he realised what her silence meant.

"You moved on," she said it so quietly he barely realised she'd spoken, "you have a family, a place, a life, you have Echo... I just don't know where I fit in anymore. If I fit in."

"Clarke-"

"I called you everyday, you know? I mean," she smiled sadly, "of course you don't. I knew it wouldn't work." She looked down, "2,199 days. It was my way of staying sane."

He couldn't speak. The severity of what she'd said hit him like a ton of bricks. It hurt more than any pain he could endure at the hands of Eligius and Wonkru combined.

"There were moments when... when it was..." she trailed off and shook her head but Bellamy knew what she meant. He wanted to go hug her, hold her, tell her he loved her. But he couldn't. "I held on, but you'd already moved on."

There was a lump in his throat and now he was crying too. "I didn't move on, Clarke." He swallowed and his Adam's apple bobbed with emotion.Emotion he'd locked up for six years because if it ever got out, he wasn't sure if he'd be strong enough to put it back again. "I mourned for years, but I had to put that part of me away or I'd fall apart. I tried to forget it, I tried to stop mentioning it, god I tried to drink it away but it was never gone. Never."

They both stood in silence, tears falling down their cheeks, emotions spilled, vulnerable to the other.

"But we don't really know each other anymore, do we?" Clarke said quietly, finally voicing what they'd both realised weeks ago but neither had been brave enough to say.

He shook his head in denial. Denial to a world in which he didn't know Clarke Griffin. "I might not know who you are now, but I know who Clarke Griffin is. And I never want to not know. And damn straight this isn't the end."

She smiled, "There's Bellamy Blake."

_There's my Bellamy Blake._

And then they crossed the space between. In three long strides, they collided. She buried her face in his neck and he craned down to rest his head on hers. They fit perfectly, bodies close, eyes closed, lips to the others skin, breathing the other in deeply as if it were their last breath. If there was one thing in the universe that felt right; it was this.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :) This is my first fic and I wrote it in the middle of the night so it's a little eh, but at least I got my feelings out.  
> Now B & C just have to do the same.


End file.
